I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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