In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
