Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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