I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
