Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
