I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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