My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
