Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
