Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Reggie can tackle my bush.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
