im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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