So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
