considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
