I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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