After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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