ugly people sure do ruin things
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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