You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
