Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
