He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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