You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
