I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
