He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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