Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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