when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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