You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
