oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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