you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
