My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
