We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
