my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
