He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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