She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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