My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
