He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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