I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
