I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
