Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
