we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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