We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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