about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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