youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
