i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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