i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
