john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
