I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
