I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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