Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
