Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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