toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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