i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The power of my boobs compel you
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
