I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
