i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
and you fell through a lawn chair
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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