Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
