I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Drunk is not a location!
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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